Yes. I used to blog my kids special memories, wonderful moments with my hubby, and of course, my inner most thoughts. Then life happened. Hubby got a job traveling, I was flying solo all of the time with my littles, and I was so overwhelmed. Something had to give, and it ended up being the pressure of writing everything down.
Among all my regrets in life, that has been one of my biggest. I have robbed myself of reading a few words from the past and in an instant, being swept right back into that moment with complete clarity. That is what journaling does. It allows me to go back to those red letter days and be reminded of just how good life can be. To also travel back to the toughest moments of my life and feeling that same level of desperation, being right back in the spaces of time where I can’t breathe. I need those reminders of being down for the count, because it also reminds me that through all of it, here I stand…unbroken.
Writing is a release for me. It forces me to confront feelings. It’s healing to reflect on the concerns of my heart. Cherishing the lessons of this life is how we remember that every day, we are becoming something more.
So, friends, I started this blog for two reasons:
1. To face my fears.
2. To help people.
Let me address number 1 first. What do I mean to “face my fears”? Well, that’s a two-fold answer.
First, I don’t ever want to lose the things that matter most. I don’t want to forget a single moment in my life, and the lessons it taught me no matter how hard. So many times we say to ourselves, “I am never going to forget this.” and yet we do. There have been dozens of times when my kids have said…”Hey, remember that one time…” and I struggle remembering what is so vivid to them. That is the tragedy of not writing things down, we lose that window back in time. I don’t want to lose any more windows, and I’d even like to retrace my steps.
The SECOND, most important fear to address is that I don’t ever want my children to lose me. When I was a young child, the fear of losing my mother haunted me, every single night. She lived a very different life than the one I live now. There were so many scary things that I watched her go through, I had no idea when one of them would cut her life short. I needed her so badly, and even though there was very little that she had the capacity to give me as an addict…she was all I had, and I wanted her.
Now that I am older, my fears have shifted. The concern of every mother is to ever be parted from her children. The worry of every wife is to be parted from her best friend. I never want them to lose me. I want to be here, cheering them on for every single phase of their life. I want them to remember all the times I told them how special they are, and how much I love them. How much their presence in my life has meant to me. How loving them changed me into someone better, braver and more open. How each one of them has healed me in ways that only they could. I want them to know that they matter. Their gifts matter. That their presence in this world means something. I fear that they will forget all of these things that have been said so many times to them already…because I’m not be here anymore to say them. And even worse, what if no one else does? I can’t breathe just thinking about it. I desperately want them to be able to hear those words every time they need to. The thing is, I don’t really fear death, but I do fear leaving them. I fear them not having me. I fear watching down from heaven, seeing them struggling and feeling all alone in this world. It absolutely kills me to think of the times that they will weep and think the words, “I wish my mom was here.” Even writing that last line misted my eyes and tightened my throat. (ok, let’s be honest…I ugly cried)
So, I decided that is not going to happen. I have lived my entire life attacking my fears instead of being crippled by them. So here I go…attacking the fear of all fears. I am writing it all down. Every single thing, about every single thing. I don’t want to leave any subject untouched. This blog is going to talk about EVERYTHING, in a very intimate and raw way, because this blog will be the place that I can speak to my children and husband FOREVER. Eventually, we all leave this world. We aren’t promised tomorrow. It’s a fact of life. I just want to leave on my terms, leaving nothing unsaid. So when God calls me home…I won’t fear them losing me anymore. Sure they may lose my body, my hugs and my kisses, but I will always be right here, loving them even still. Any post I write, I want it to feel like they have drawn my spirit right to them. I want them to be able to feel my warmth, my kindness, my stubbornness, my sass, my absolute love and zest for life. Most importantly, I want them to feel my undying LOVE for them, even if someday that can only be through my words. That even if I am a world away, they can always bring me right back to them.
Believe me, when I say that we are going to laugh, and cry about how hard this life can be. We are going to make fun of ourselves like we do now, cause that’s how we make it through the messes we make. We will leave no stone unturned. No conversation unhad. No lesson untaught. There will never be a time where they will say, “What would mom (or wife bestie) say?”, because here I am…saying it.
Now, I obviously have a lot of life left, so this isn’t a doomsday type post. It is a happy one. I’m not dying, I am not sick. I am blessed with health and strength. In fact, I have even come up with my own “dream death”!
One day I told my husband about it. We were snuggling on the couch, both quiet and out of nowhere, I belted out, “Hey, I want to die when I am 92, right before I start peeing on myself. I want to die with you in bed right next to me holding my hand. We both just fall asleep and wake up in the next life.”
He laughed and said, “Where did that come from?”
I replied, “Well if God takes custom orders on death, I want to say mine out loud so he’s got it. I mean, what if he takes custom orders and it’s just that no one knows? I’m putting this crap in early, otherwise, who knows what could happen! I could die sitting in one of those awful outdoor commodes with my underwear around my ankles!”
To which he laughed and said, “You are so ridiculous sometimes. (part of my charm) It sounds like a beautiful death. Too bad that never happens. No one dies holding hands in bed together.” I said, “Don’t smash my death dreams! Hey it could happen…! ” He laughed. Then to my chagrin, no lie, the very next day we watched “The Notebook”. Not to spoil the ending, but I looked right at Craig and said, “See! It happens!” He of course laughed, kissed me on the forehead and quietly whispered, “Alright darling, it happens.”
You know, maybe I won’t get my dream death. Who knows!? I do know this, I will never regret talking to my husband, children (and even my grandchildren) forever through the words I write.
My second goal behind this blog is to HELP people. I have always said that “I am a collector of people.” Some collect stamps, some collect cars. I have always chosen to collect people. I love adding more beautiful souls to my life. My life was so lonely and sad for the first half of it. I know how painful that is. I don’t want anyone to feel that way. I can’t be everywhere in person, but I can write a post that hopefully makes someone feel a little less alone in the world, and to some degree, understood. I learned so many lessons at such a young age. I want to share those lessons. I have people write me all of the time asking me how I made it through this or that. This is me answering them. So many of their questions couldn’t be summed up in a letter, but I can do it in a blog series or pod casts where we can talk about it. I always want to be genuine and loving in helping my friends. I say friends, but I honestly feel like you are all my kids, or my brothers and sisters. There isn’t one of you that I wouldn’t welcome into my life as a soul mate. I feel like that is what we are meant to be to one another, but few are willing to be vulnerable to that degree. So when I say I want to speak beyond my grave to my children and spouse…I also leave this for you. These won’t be perfect lessons or answers, but they will be mine. They will be what I would have said to you if I had the chance.
When I think about being in heaven…being able to see EVERYTHING, I imagine myself looking down seeing people struggling to look up to my Father in Heaven saying, “God, won’t you please let me run down there and have a quick talk with them, and sneak a hug? I just want to let them know they are going to be ok, that they are loved…and that they will get through this. To just hold on a little longer.” It probably sounds so ridiculous, but I have always been a mother hen that way. I know I can’t save the world and that I don’t need to. Jesus did that so perfectly. However, I feel like because Jesus was the perfect example of what we are supposed to be, I want to do what he did. I want to love the way he did. Serve the way he did. I want to sit with the broken. I want to weep with my friends. I want to laugh at life together, because I know that is how he wants us to spend our time. He saved us, and we all owe a great debt for it. I don’t want to ever be in a position of feeling that I should have done more to help my fellow man.
So here we go friends! Welcome to my crazy world. Welcome to raw honesty. I hope you enjoy the ride…..<3